Hitting The Road

Dear the Internet,

Last year I ran the SF Marathon and finished just fast enough to say that I "ran" it. I had a lot of fun, but towards the end of training I was spending two hours running after having a full work day. This year I couldn't really justify the time commitment, so I signed up for the half marathon. I didn't really stop running after the marathon, but I definitely cut way back. I've started to ramp it back up in preparation for the race. This means that I get to put on those wonderful shorts that show off my pasty white, tree trunk legs and don the running shirts that let you know precisely where my nipples are.

I've moved since the marathon last year to a neighborhood with inclines that take some liberties with what can be called a "hill" (my understanding is that it isn't a hill if there are switchbacks). I drew myself running up a hill with a homeless guy that hasn't bothered to put down his 40 hot on my tail. There was still some empty space so I drew a turtle and a snail passing me. While I like to believe that I am faster than turtles and snails, there is an element of truth to me getting bested by a homeless person in a foot race.

The first time (yes, there is more than one time) happened in college after playing a game of ultimate Frisbee. Homeless Mike had been staying with a friend of mine for a few weeks and showed up to play one Saturday. Shockingly, he was probably one of the worst people I have ever had on my team. Every time he got the disc he would point to the end zone like he was going to make a monster pass and then wildly chuck it in the air. The disc would travel ten feet forward and about forty feet in the air before coming back and landing out of bounds. Each time he got the disc, I would assume it got turned over and just start to head back to play defense. Anyway, after the game we all lined up for an impromptu barefoot race. We were going to start at the count of three, but Homeless Mike took off at two. Everybody caught up to him but me.

The second time happened the other day (two months ago) while I was out for a run. I saw this homeless guy sitting in the shade drinking water out of a cup. As I got nearer, he hurriedly got up and started to half jog, half stumble next to me, splashing water all over himself. At this point I was about 100% sure he was either going to bite me or throw water on me. After "racing" for nearly ten feet and never at any point going faster than me, he proclaimed, "Ha, beat you f*****!" and then collapsed in the shade again. My goal in the marathon this year is to not lose to any homeless people.