Mercilessly Killing Small Animals With My Bicycle

About a year and a half ago I gave up on Muni. It made me late, miserable, and, on way too many occasions, reek. In lieu of slowly creeping through the city, one block at a time, I picked up biking. My super awesome wife (then girlfriend), had bought me an excellent bike from Public Bikes a few months before and I was eager to put it to frequent use. It took some time to figure things out and to get into good enough shape so that I was arriving at work relatively sweat free. I learned things like: I should bring a spare tube with me if I'm going to be biking 10 miles round trip and maybe bike wheels are meant to handle 200 lbs of awesome rolling off a curb.Over time, I learned more about the city and how its people react to bicycles. I can tell which pedestrians are going to look right at me and then decided to go ahead and cross the street anyway. Even though I don't understand it, I am prepared for many drivers to look at me annoyed and anxiously wave me ahead when I stop at "STOP" signs. Most frustrating to me though, are the other bicyclist that insist on rolling right through stop lights and signs even though I am waiting for my turn to cross the intersection. I always catch up to them at the next busy intersection and wish broken spokes and flat tires upon them. The one thing that I am still taken aback by, is something that many motorist probably don't notice: how many animals I have either killed or almost killed. Here is a brief rundown: I ran over a mouse one night that I couldn't even see until my tire was on top of him (or her, I didn't stop to verify), a bird flew directly into my spokes in a magnificent explosion of feathers, every dog on the mixed use paths seem to want a tire stripe down their back, and I almost ran over a feline that was only saved by my cat like reflexes. This isn't even counting the insects I am unintentionally catching in my eyes and intentionally catching in my mouth (free protein!). I'm not even a stereotypically spandex-clad, aggressive cyclist. I just seem to be a magnet for every suicidal animal in San Francisco. Bicycling is a great way to get around. It's cheap, good exercise, quicker than the bus, and sometimes quicker than driving (if you factor in looking for parking). You just have to reconcile the fact that you will become a rolling death machine that destroys all animals in your path. That's all.

Top Ten and Bottom Five Movies of 2012

Dear the Internet,

Well, 2012 is over and, in retrospect, I saw a whole lot of movies. I'm not a critic that gets to go to free screenings of everything, so I can really only judge the year based on a handful of movies. Here, with a few stipulations, are my top ten favorite movies of 2012 and my five least favorite movies.

I'm getting married!!!

Dear the Internet,

I got engaged!!!

My super awesome girlfriend is now my super awesome fiance and will soon become my super awesome wife. I'll post something later with the how story and some photos, but for right now I wanted to show off this picture I made to ask my groomsmen if they would, well, be my groomsmen.

It's kind of a weird thing to figure out who makes the cut when it comes to the wedding party. I feel like it gets glossed over a bit what with all the flower and candle talk. The whole wedding planning process kind of forces you to put your friends in a sort of hierarchy, which I'm not sure I'm comfortable with how naturally that came. There wasn't an objective metric that we used to decide who I know well enough to see me dance in front of my parents but, with a few exceptions, it was pretty easy. In the past, if I didn't get invited to someone's wedding and I wanted to see if I should feel offended or not, I would try and imagine if I would invite them to mine. I'm not really sure this process works in reverse.

Fortunately, this guest list thing happens early on and then you get to do stuff like register and taste cakes. I have to admit that registering isn't nearly as much fun as I thought it would be. It turns out I've been going to stores and looking at things I want but can't afford for most of my adult life and having a laser scanner in your hand doesn't really dull the pain of knowing that the next avocado I slice will be with a completely average knife. Cake tasting though, that's the shit.

It's also been fun for me to think of terrible ideas to throw at my super awesome fiance to keep her on her toes. Example: write guests' seat assignments on hermit crab shells in a giant terrarium. This is doubly a terrible idea because hermit crabs smell like every dead thing in the ocean is rotting in their shell and no adult wants to be near a crab they can't eat.

With the exception of a tuberculosis scare, the wedding planning hasn't been so bad. I expect we'll encounter some issues along the way, but my super awesome fiance and I are both pretty level headed individuals and neither of us are teetotalers, so we should be fine.

Bloodless Battle

I had originally posted this story and picture a few months ago but took it down while I was applying for a job that I thought might not think this was funny. I didn't get the job, so I decided to put it back up. I put a censor bar over Hodor just to be safe, but note that the wolf's back made it so you couldn't see anything before. I just decided to make it that much less sketchy. Now, without further ado: a stupid fanfic story I wrote that was inspired by a gchat conversation.

A chill sweeps through an eerily quiet field as two armies prepare for battle. On one side: an army led by Rob Stark The King of the North as some have taken to calling him. On the other: a massive army led by the rich and powerful Tywin Lannister. As they ready for battle, a third army can be seen cresting the horizon. At the front of an enormous force is the steely face of the Lord of Light, Stannis Baratheon. A sword made from the finest Valyrian steel would be unable to cut through the tension. The three generals rally their troops as a section of forest burst into flames. As though birthed from the fire, Daenerys Targaryen comes soaring from the flaming trees riding a dragon. Also, she is naked. One dragon would cause all but the most courageous knights to wet their armor and she has brought three to this battle.

My Least Favorite Movies Of The Year

Dear the Internet,

As much fun as it is to talk about things you like, sometimes it's more fun to talk about things you don't like. With that said, here are the movies I wish I didn't see this year:

Like Crazy - This is one of those rare movies where I found myself actively rooting for an onscreen couple to break up. This becomes problematic when it's the central premise of the movie. If you're in a long distance relationship where all you do is mope when you're apart and fight when you're together, it's probably not worth it. It just became grating after awhile and quickly went from a story of two crazy kids in love to a story of two whiny kids that can't move on. I recommend this movie to anybody that is in a bad relationship and wants to see what it looks like to everybody else.

Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon - After seeing the third movie in this series, it has become impossible for me distinguish any given scene from one movie to the next. Is this the scene where Optimus dies in the second movie or where he dies in the third movie? Is this the part where the Decepticons summon a great evil from the past in the first, second, or is it the third movie? Is this the part where the camera is moving too fast to see the robots punching each other but finds time to check out a girl in slow-mo in the third, first, or was it the second movie? Wait, is that a different girl. I recommend this movie to anybody that has both Memento amnesia and ADHD, but only if you aren't epileptic.

The Art of Getting By - This is a movie about privileged teenagers in private school whose lives are just so hard. I mean homework, girls, and their parents just don't get it. Ugh, life couldn't possibly get any more difficult than that. No joking at all, a big plot point in the movie is that the main character just doesn't feel like doing his school work. His teachers just don't understand. If I wanted to get that story, I would just read my journals from middle school. I recommend this to anybody that has 90 minutes they want to feel like three hours.

My Favorite Movies of the Year*

It's getting to be that time of year when people talk about their favorite things. Me being a "people", I figured it would be appropriate to write a list of my favorite films.

10. Attack the Block

9. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

8. Thor

7. Captain America

6. Step Up 3D

Game Night

Like the person who wrote the article that inspired me to write this post (http://www.rocket-shoes.com/board-games-revisited-as-an-adult/), I am not a competitive person. For me, I thrive when nobody is watching or pushing me. I am not a great strategist and I focus more on harmony than how to prevail. I like to build and create, but only for myself. I follow rules, but I don't focus on minutia and I tend to scrutinize them if I don't understand the logic. All this means that I am not a natural game player, but I end up playing some of the most obscure and complicated games on a regular basis.

See, I live with three guys who love games. They stay on top of which games have won the Spiel des Jahres and frequent websites like Boardgame Geek. They thrive when it comes to strategy and numbers. We have a whole cabinet full of games and new ones come every couple of weeks. I play because they play. That isn't to say I don't have fun. I enjoy the company and there are a few games that I genuinely like. There are also more than a few games that I loathe.

In general, I tend to like simpler games that focus more on creativity (Dixit, Loaded Questions). I'm also a sucker for games that have a theme I like or good art (Last Night On Earth, Small World). I'm not usually a fan of games that put players in direct conflict with one another or games that rely heavily on chance (Settlers of Catan, Family Business). I'm playing the game not to win, but as means to socialize and relax. When I have to think too much, it stops being relaxing and when I have to make opponents out of my friends, it stops the socializing. I like games, I just don't like it when they get in the way of fun.

They Were Tears Of Joy!!!

Dear the Internet,

Saying you like Pixar is like saying you like the Beatles; of course you do, everybody does. I like Pixar. A lot. I've seen almost all of their movies in theaters. I have most of them on DVD. I've even met Brad Bird (writer/director of Iron Giant, The Incredibles, and Ratatouille) while I was working at the Santa Barbara International Film Festival. It was just a handshake and a hello, but I still cherish it. So, because Cars 2 is coming out tomorrow (and even though it's getting bad reviews, I still want to see it), I thought it would be fun to rank my favorite Pixar movies. This, with a few exceptions, was actually a lot easier than I thought it would be. To make things interesting, I'm also going to just admit the point at which they made me cry. Fair warning though, there are spoilers in here, especially when I talk about what made me cry.

A True Love

Dear the Internet,

I have a new love in my life and her name is 16 oz Insulated Klean Kanteen.

I upgraded from a Nalgene to my blue 27 oz Klean Kanteen a little over ago year and haven't looked back. It's durable, doesn't taste like plastic when the water gets warm, and doesn't give me brain tumors or whatever was supposed to happen if you drank out of an old Nalgene.

Getting My Ass Kicked

Dear the Internet,

When it comes to playing sports in general, I would give myself a B-. I, unfortunately, wrestled in high school, so I don't have a whole lot of skills that carry over to playing sports socially. For some reason, nobody ever wants to start a recreational wrestling team or go and have a wrestle at a picnic. Most of what I've learned about how to play different sports comes from playing pick up games in college. This means that if you're looking for somebody to do a layup or juggle a soccer ball or do anything with grace, I'm probably not your guy.

Hitting The Road

Dear the Internet,

Last year I ran the SF Marathon and finished just fast enough to say that I "ran" it. I had a lot of fun, but towards the end of training I was spending two hours running after having a full work day. This year I couldn't really justify the time commitment, so I signed up for the half marathon. I didn't really stop running after the marathon, but I definitely cut way back. I've started to ramp it back up in preparation for the race. This means that I get to put on those wonderful shorts that show off my pasty white, tree trunk legs and don the running shirts that let you know precisely where my nipples are.

The Best Part Of My Morning

Dear the Internet,

Another day and another piece of MS Paint art. I did this one in a bit more of a hurry because Mondays are super busy. I'm not 100% happy with it. The biggest problem I have is the color scheme. I tried to stay true to the actual colors of Muni and brown on brown with brown wood paneling just doesn't look good. Also, it is super hard to draw the same thing multiple times in Paint. Those seats are all kinds of wonky. Who would have thought that drawing forced perspective with a mouse would be difficult?

Anyway, this picture depicts my favorite part of my workday. See, my super awesome girlfriend and I take the same bus at the same time, only in opposite directions. She is getting off work just as I am heading in. This means that our buses pass by each other around the same spot everyday. I always try and sit next to the window so that we can wave to each other. About half the time there is a giant ad covering the windows on the bus so I end up waving to Jack Sparrow hoping that my super awesome girlfriend is on the other side. Isn't this just so cute it makes you throw up in your mouth?

More Fun With MS Paint!!!

Dear the Internet,
I was super bored at work today and, because boredom plus MS Paint equals masterpiece, I have a I brand new JPEG.

I've wanted to make caricatures of people I know for awhile, but it's actually super hard. The above picture is supposed to be of my super awesome girlfriend. I am mostly pleased with it, but I'm not in love with the lips. She has a much more infectious smile and I don't think I got that. I think I did a pretty good job with the hair and the eyes. Her eyes, like mine, go into a crescent shape when she smiles. Her head shape is a bit off too. I drew it a little kidney bean shaped, but its really more oval. It honestly took me a couple of hours off and on to get done with this first draft. Faces are just such subtle things that it can be next to impossible to get all of the elements right in a very limited application like Paint.

The Worst Part of My Job

Dear the Internet,

I can't really say too much about where I work because, well, people get fired for talking crap about where they work. I'll just say that I sit at the front desk, so I get the brunt of anybody looking to express anger. Sometimes it's actually my fault and occasionally I can actually do something about it, but the vast majority of the time I have to just sit there and take the blame and be completely unable to help. Here are a few of the most common things that crush my soul:

Long Time Gone

Dear The Internet,

So, it's been a couple months since I last posted something. Oops. I guess I'm a little surprised at how much time it takes to put up a quality post and how rare that time is. I can't really think of anything to post right now either, which can't help. I'm feeling sort of creatively constipated and I'm hoping that I can get things moving again by writing a bit. I really want to get out and shoot some photos, but these winter months make daylight a much desired commodity. It also doesn't help that I've been exercising more, which is a huge time eater.

Since it's the new year-ish I figure I'll write out some of my resolutions. I kind of don't believe in New Year's Resolutions because I think that if you want to change something, you should start as soon as you get that desire. January 1st isn't magic and most people don't keep their resolutions. If you really want to do something, you don't need to wait for a new calendar year. With that in mind, here are some things that I hope to change this coming year:

I'm Going To Disneyland!!!

Dear The Internet,

I moved around a lot while I was growing up, but I spent a good portion of my formative years in Orange County (specifically Orange). We lived about fifteen minutes away from Disneyland and, like most kids in Orange, I had an annual pass to the park. It wasn’t uncommon for my mom to drop my brother and me off at the entrance with $10 each and let us go at it for the day. I came to know the park like the back of my hand. I knew all the jokes they tell on Jungle Cruise by heart. I could recite “remain seated, please” in a terrible attempt at Spanish. I could spend a whole day there, not spend a dime, and still eat three square meals (note, those “square meals” were actually tortillas from the factory tour). The one downside to growing up like this is that it has totally demystified the whole experience for me.

Dear The Internet,

Recently, my super awesome girlfriend bought me a brand spanking new iPod Nano (6^th generation). This means that with a very heavy heart, I will stop using my very heavy Creative NOMAD Jukebox Zen Xtra. Yes, that is its actual name and yes, that is actually ridiculous. I thought it would be fun to do a head to head battle between the two. A young and spry David verses a senile and overweight Goliath. 

And Then I Cried

Dear The Internet,

I kind of started running in a funny way. For a few years after I graduated I stuck around the beautiful seaside town were my college was located. It’s an odd experience living in a college town after you graduate. It’s sort of like watching a play with a different cast. The lines are the same, but the delivery is totally different. The characters completely unaware that they are telling the same story others have told before them. I started running mostly out of boredom and ended up taking a liking to it.

How Zombie Proof Is My House

 

Dear The Internet,

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you woke up one morning and found your city to be completely taken over by zombies? Would you be prepared? How easy to fortify is your home? All of these are ridiculous questions that I will answer.